Why?

That is the question I have been asking myself today.

Have you ever had one of those inexplicably lonely days, the days when you just can't shake that gnawing feeling that you're missing out on something, even though you have no good reason to feel that way? I had one of those days today. It was also the sort of day that had me frustrated with someone even though I know that I shouldn't be, because I know that the person I've been frustrated with didn't mean any harm, but I was still feeling hurt, and that just added to the general loneliness of the day.

And now that it's almost 2 o'clock in the morning, I find myself asking, "Why?" Why on earth am I feeling like this right now? Part of me wants to just blame it on the fact that I'm on a rather powerful prescription medication for the duration of the weekend—the sort of thing that tends to make one crabby. However, after living with myself for almost 20 years, I generally know when I'm looking for a cop-out.

I guess I've come to the conclusion that I hate feeling needy, and therefore when I do feel like I just need a friend to be there for awhile, I try to ignore the feeling, and then I end up being all hurt and emo when no one else notices that I'm down. I'm afraid of being a leech. I'm afraid of taking away someone else's time, energy . . . maybe even love. I've been leeched off of so much in the past that I tend to push myself to the other extreme, to the point that I won't ask for help when I need it, which generally means getting myself into a funk that I will almost inevitably be stuck in for a week or two, and that could have been avoided had I gotten over myself and just asked someone for a hug or something when the whole darn thing started. (I don't think I've ever written a blog with so many ridiculously long sentences.)

Perhaps the question I should be asking right now is, "Why on earth am I so darn stubborn?"

(I apologize for the overwhelming vagueness and general lack of content in this post.)